A parable for our times
It
is not that long
Since Ireland was over-run by rats,
And the Government decided to set up
The Rat Scheme.
Since Ireland was over-run by rats,
And the Government decided to set up
The Rat Scheme.
A reward of
five pounds
Was offered
For every dead rat
Delivered to a police station.
This became known
As “the Rat Payment.”
Was offered
For every dead rat
Delivered to a police station.
This became known
As “the Rat Payment.”
After a slow
start,
The scheme took off,
And the Gardai were busy
Recording and disposing of
Dead rats
And issuing Rat Payments.
The scheme took off,
And the Gardai were busy
Recording and disposing of
Dead rats
And issuing Rat Payments.
The scheme
was a huge success,
And, soon,
the country
Was relatively free of rats.
Was relatively free of rats.
The number
of dead rats
Delivered to police stations
Fell off,
Everywhere,
Except County Kerry,
Where it continued to expand.
Delivered to police stations
Fell off,
Everywhere,
Except County Kerry,
Where it continued to expand.
It so happened
At that time
That Garda Noel Kiljoy,
Of Clonsharp Garda Station, Dublin,
Gave a traffic ticket
To Holly Barney,
A junior Government Minister,
And was transferred to Tralee.
On his first
day
In Tralee,
Garda Kiljoy noticed
That the Kerry rats
Were sleek and fat
Compared to the scrawny
Dublin rats.
In Tralee,
Garda Kiljoy noticed
That the Kerry rats
Were sleek and fat
Compared to the scrawny
Dublin rats.
A
suspicious thought
Formed in his brain.
He examined the books of record
Relating to Rat Payments,
And found a large number
Of dead rats
Credited to Farmer Tom Ratchit
And, also, to members of his family.
Formed in his brain.
He examined the books of record
Relating to Rat Payments,
And found a large number
Of dead rats
Credited to Farmer Tom Ratchit
And, also, to members of his family.
He cycled round the County
To all the Kerry Stations,
And found a similar large bounty
Was collected by
Particular family groups
In all the stations.
He snooped around the Ratchit farm,
And discovered
That Farmer Ratchit
Was not catching wild rats,
But breeding tame rats
For the scheme.
Out-houses
Formerly used for cows
Now contained rows and rows
Of cages
Where rats were bred and reared.
Formerly used for cows
Now contained rows and rows
Of cages
Where rats were bred and reared.
Garda Kiljoy
Suggested to his colleagues
That all rat deliveries
To the station
Be referred to him,
A request that the others
Lazily conceded.
Next time Farmer
Ratchit
Appeared in the Station
With a dead rat,
He was processed by Kiljoy.
Appeared in the Station
With a dead rat,
He was processed by Kiljoy.
Garda Kiljoy
examined the rat carefully,
And carried it to the other room,
Out of sight,
As if submitting it to examination,
And, then, after some minutes,
Returning to the counter, said:
“This is not a wild rat;
“It is a farmed rat.”
And carried it to the other room,
Out of sight,
As if submitting it to examination,
And, then, after some minutes,
Returning to the counter, said:
“This is not a wild rat;
“It is a farmed rat.”
“The Rat Scheme,”
Said Garda Kiljoy,
“Relates to Wild Rats only.
Therefore,” he said,
“I cannot give you any reward
For this rat,
Nor accept it for disposal by the Gardaí.
But,
I must warn you
That this rat must be disposed of
In the proper manner
Under the
Disposal of Deceased Farm Animals
Regulations.”
That this rat must be disposed of
In the proper manner
Under the
Disposal of Deceased Farm Animals
Regulations.”
Farmer
Ratchit was outraged.
He went to his political rep,
Deputy Farley,
To complain.
He went to his political rep,
Deputy Farley,
To complain.
His mistake
was that Farley
Was of the Opposition,
Not the Government Coalition.
Was of the Opposition,
Not the Government Coalition.
The Deputy put
down
A Parliamentary Question
As to why a farmer
Was refused a Rat Payment
Despite delivering a dead rat
To a police station.
A Parliamentary Question
As to why a farmer
Was refused a Rat Payment
Despite delivering a dead rat
To a police station.
Meanwhile,
Garda Kiljoy
Had written his report.
Garda Kiljoy
Had written his report.
His Sergeant
added a comment
Distancing himself
From Kiljoy’s action,
But non-committal as to whether
It was warranted,
And passed the matter
Up the Line.
Distancing himself
From Kiljoy’s action,
But non-committal as to whether
It was warranted,
And passed the matter
Up the Line.
The Superintendent
Over Kerry
gardaí
Noted the regulations
Did not say “wild rats,”
Just “dead rats.”
He reported to the Commissioner,
Recommending an amendment
Of the regulations.
Noted the regulations
Did not say “wild rats,”
Just “dead rats.”
He reported to the Commissioner,
Recommending an amendment
Of the regulations.
When
Deputy Farley
Got to pose his question
In the House,
The Minister replied:
“The Rat Regulations
Were designed for Wild Rats,
Not to promote Rat Farming.
I have now changed the regulations
By inserting the word ‘wild,’
And now lay the amended regulations
Before the House.”
Got to pose his question
In the House,
The Minister replied:
“The Rat Regulations
Were designed for Wild Rats,
Not to promote Rat Farming.
I have now changed the regulations
By inserting the word ‘wild,’
And now lay the amended regulations
Before the House.”
There
was uproar in the House.
The Kerry Deputies said
The amendment would take away
The livelihood of Rat Farmers
In the County.
The Kerry Deputies said
The amendment would take away
The livelihood of Rat Farmers
In the County.
“It
is the emigrant ship
For honest Kerry farmers,
If this industry closes down,”
Said Deputy Farley.
For honest Kerry farmers,
If this industry closes down,”
Said Deputy Farley.
The
Minister was unrelenting.
Those Kerry Deputies
Who had supported the Government
Now withdrew support.
Those Kerry Deputies
Who had supported the Government
Now withdrew support.
The
government fell,
And a General Election was called.
Deputy Farley topped the poll
In Kerry
And became Minister for Justice.
And a General Election was called.
Deputy Farley topped the poll
In Kerry
And became Minister for Justice.
“Wild”
was removed
From the regulations,
And Garda Kiljoy was transferred
To Valencia island,
Where nothing ever happened
And he could do no more harm.
From the regulations,
And Garda Kiljoy was transferred
To Valencia island,
Where nothing ever happened
And he could do no more harm.
Rat
Farming
Became Kerry’s number one industry
And continues so
To this very day.
Became Kerry’s number one industry
And continues so
To this very day.
The
gardaí in Kerry
Are fully occupied
Issuing Rat Payments
And have no time for crime.
Are fully occupied
Issuing Rat Payments
And have no time for crime.
Income
Tax was raised
To cover the expense.
In effect, the city dwellers
Fund the Kerry farmers
To pursue this folly.
To cover the expense.
In effect, the city dwellers
Fund the Kerry farmers
To pursue this folly.
And
that’s the way it goes
With all Government Schemes.
With all Government Schemes.
The
end.
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